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Let’s talk about cross-gender friendships, or put simply, friendships between men and women–outside of a marriage or romantic relationship. Are they possible? Are they good? Are they needed? It’s a subject that is taboo to some groups and a non-issue for others. Enter Dan Brennan and his self-published book, Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions.
Dan and Spencer Burke, host of ThinkFWD, talk about the void that exists if we let fear get the better of us and avoid pursuing these important relationships. And in a related discussion, they venture into the topic of self-publishing. Dan has become an expert on that topic, because of his real-life experience in trying to publish Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions. “It was too controversial for the traditional Christian publishers, and not controversial enough for the secular press,” says Dan. Because Dan is passionate about the subject and sharing his learnings, he found a way to publish . . . with a little help from his friends . . . of both genders! Find out more on http://danbrennan.typepad.com.
But back to male-female relationships. Dan starts the conversation practically, saying they are no different than other relationships. We need to recognize that there is fear in developing a close relationship, and potential danger in a male-female relationship, and then create healthy boundaries and push through any fear. Jesus prays for us to be one, and he doesn’t specify men/women. In fact, Dan gives us examples of Jesus’ specific and important relationships with women.
Dan encourages us to pursue, to nurture and delight in (chaste) communion with other Christians. Without powerful, intimate male/female friendships, a big part of our life is missing. Some Christian communities tend to separate out male and female friendships, or stress a rule-based approach to friendships, but these are often based on fear. Instead, Dan says, let’s take personal responsibility for pursuing good relationships with clear boundaries, which develop nearness and bonding—for which our lives will be richer and reflective of the full body of Christ.
Personal Reflections:
- How has your opinion of cross-gender friendships affected your workplace?
- What experiences have you had with rule-based or fear-based approaches in other areas (e.g. drinking, entertainment, foods, engagement with other religions, etc.?)
Group or Staff Questions:
- When cross-gender relationships are limited to sexual expressions, what possibilities do we lose?
- Acknowledging that there are differences among genders, and a need for healthy sexual boundaries, what ways can we as a community encourage nearness and bonding reflecting the body of Christ?
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May 5th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
So glad that you are covering this topic. I’ve read this book and think it will spur a lot of good conversation.
May 5th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Thank you for getting this conversation out there!! Dan’s voice is an important one for a church that too often finds easy security through rules rather than the hard work of love and transparent community. His book has been a catalyst for my own wrestling on the topic and I am grateful for what he adds to the discussion of cross-gender friendships.
May 11th, 2010 at 12:01 am
Although I welcome the broaching of any topic, it is inevitable that values are expressed in the manner chosen to approach any topic. The self help values expressed in this approach to relationships mislead individuals to develop self-helpish, maladjusted thinking around an area of significant, natural frustration and healthy challenge. It is healthy to get dogged once in a while, for example and really not know why. But to make “getting dogged once in a while and really not know why” into self help topic is what mom says is like making ” a mountain out of mole hill.” Mom also says write a song about it, you’ll feel better (or worse depending on the song.)
May 11th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
jeff – I’m confused about how you see this as self-helpish. Can you say more?
May 12th, 2010 at 12:08 am
When I say self help-ish I should clarify that this my perception of the cultural message in any topic whose treatment expresses self help values. For example, It would be rare to find a self help book that poses an irresolvable problem. Self help-ish thinking involves one person the helper giving another person, the helpee, an all encompassing solution to significant problem. Some problems can only be “solved” by Life itself. To eradicate the problem is to give up living, whereas to live with the problem generates vitality. (Ironically the reader will note that solving the instinct-to-self help problem perpetuates it).
The following excerpt epitomizes the self help formula by presenting a problem and the all encompassing solution:
Let’s take personal responsibility for pursuing good relationships with clear boundaries, which develop nearness and bonding—for which our lives will be richer and reflective of the full body of Christ.
does this clarify?
May 12th, 2010 at 12:29 am
Jeff,
I hear what you’re saying – I just wish it actually worked like that
If we could tell everyone to take responsibility for pursuing good relaitonships, and it would actually happen, then I’d be very happy. The problem is that in many circles the idea that men and women can be friends, or that it’s even okay for men and women on the same church staff to ride in a car together, is still unthinkable. I could name the long list of men I’ve known who think it’s a good idea to refuse to ride in an elevator with me because of my gender, nevermind be friends with me – and they have no idea what that position says to women.
I wish people could just get it – but my experience is that many don’t. I’m glad for a book that helps the conversation along.
May 12th, 2010 at 3:25 am
true dat. church folks(men and women) tend to be maladjusted, confusing spirituality with safety. Those folks who are phobic need some less than nice observations describing their behavior. If someone could place a truthful yet rude text within their reach, I’d sign an autograph.
May 28th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Dan, this is a great reminder of the value of cross gender relationships. It’s timely and appropriate in my life right now. I think a core issue, or perspective, is to value the other person, seeing the image of God in him/her to the point that you simply refuse to do something that will harm. Of course that is easy to say and not as easily practiced, but I think the openness you speak of, bathed in seeing the other with the utmost value helps immensely.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:38 am
[...] was watching a video this morning of Dan Brennan and Spencer Burke talk about male female relationships. It’s a [...]
June 14th, 2010 at 11:06 am
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regards
pastor moses
June 14th, 2010 at 11:08 am
thank you please i,m very keen to see you jennifer
June 14th, 2010 at 11:09 am
hi u can mail me on cfmintl@yahoo.com